In just 36 questions, our test will determine your most prominent traits and most crippling shortcomings, and then assign you one of 16 definitive, easy-to-recite labels that’s ready to stand in as your identity from that point forward.
You have no idea whether you enjoy being the center of attention because such a thing has never happened.
In general, people can look you in the face without recoiling.
Being right matters more to you in a social interaction than being even remotely tolerable.
The majority of your actions are cardinal sins.
People waiting in line to use restrooms are fair game for small talk.
Your parents are comfortable acknowledging their relation to you.
You are 5’4” or taller.
You are uncomfortable making eye contact with people in your wedding party.
The majority of your calendar events are reminders to move your car on street cleaning days.
You are willing to stay out past 8:45 p.m. if it’s shaping up to be an epic night.
If someone does not respond to a text you sent them, you believe they made the right decision.
Your life has been an unending series of disappointments comical to everyone but you.
You consider “alone time” a disease.
You can still fit into your high school pants.
The scariest part about dying is the idea of being surrounded by friends and family.
You are usually good at sensing when others are in distress, and it nourishes you.
People know the party has started when you arrive because you are continuously announcing this fact.
You are in the background of all your baby photos.
Cashiers regularly look you in the eye and tell you the transaction was an honor for them.
At hotels, you take the little soaps, shampoos, towels, pillows, TVs, and bed frames.
You enjoy a good orgasm when it comes about, but you do not seek them out.
The overwhelming volume of attractive, charming suitors reaching out to you makes online dating unappealing.
You have, on at least one occasion, actively considered applying for asylum in Canada after receiving an invitation to a house party.
People will attempt to seat themselves several times in a chair you’re occupying before realizing you’re there.
You never shut the fuck up.
When people are nearing their breaking point, you’re always there to finish them off.
Your hair is worth celebrating.
You have had a pie-eating contest, sexual position, or stomach-pumping technique named after you.
Priests have put a time limit on your confessional visits.
Your pet goldfish is the alpha of your household.
This is the year the Rockets win it all.
You are currently taking this assessment with an entire foot-long sub in your mouth and another inserted into your rectum.
You have declined to attend the birth of one or more of your children for fear of meeting new people.
You thrive when working on a deadline, your whole body throbbing in ecstasy at the sound of a ticking clock.
Animals would rather stick it out at the shelter than be adopted by you.
Friends would describe you as “spontaneous” or “the nude one covered in sprinkles currently being led away by the authorities.”